Open Journal: Disconnected

Recent-Past Me writes…

I met my best friend in the forums of NaNoWriMo. It’s a story we’ve rehashed a ton of times, to curious outsiders and among ourselves: Her foxy Thief Lord, my legendary outlaws and Song Caster of minstrel; a passing connection between states-away strangers that, somehow, went beyond passing to lasting these four years and counting.

A once-in-a-lifetime miracle.

At least, not a miracle I’ve seen repeated yet in my life, and don’t expect to during NaNo ‘14.

I haven’t spent much time in the forums, this past month. By which I mean, I’ve half-heartedly poked my head in once, lurked around for a short while, then wearily closed out the tab. I don’t have the energy for socializing chitchat. For dragging on a smile and feeling around for common ground. For friendly emoticons and exclamation points.

There are few things I want to deal with less, in this state, than exclamation points.

Besties For Good 02My best friend just got married, moving even further out of reach. I was her Maid of Honor; her personal assistant; the collected, efficient go-getter striding around with a rapidly marked-up notebook. My brain, it seems, works differently than the average human. (Gasps of faux surprise all ‘round.) The bride-to-be and her family, the wedding itself, needed me in cyborg mode. Cue three weeks of setting self aside that I might to best ability serve.

Greater love hath no one than this: To lay down her life for a friend.

My insides feel slain on the altar where she spoke her vows.

I pushed myself so far, strained so hard, strove so long, and I’m proud of me, but I’m injured.

It’s not the first time I’ve maimed myself like this. The summer I published “Swan Prince” then dove straight into my second season on cast at the Renaissance Faire blew me out in much the same way. Strained, sprained, drained.

My brain works differently than the average human.

Participant, mm? I hardly feel like one.

Participant, mm? I hardly feel like one.

I’m not made to deal so intensely with so many people for this length of time. I’m slowly recovering; better now than I was days ago, and likely better by the time this post goes live than I am during its drafting. But in the meantime, much as I’d love to get back into the international camaraderie of NaNo – one of my favorite parts of the event, in years past; what separates NaNo from just another month of me bingeing on word-making; the gateway, once, to a friendship like I’ve never had before – I just can’t with the socializing, right now.

So a world of Wrimos is over there, and I’m over here, with days to go ‘til THE Writing Month begins, feeling wholly disconnected from it all.

My tired = sad.

My sad = lonely.

My cyborg powers, experiencing technical difficulties.

“The girl needs a vacation,” Will Scarlet opines.

The girl doesn’t believe in vacation.

Edgwyn says kindly, “That’s why the girl’s a wreck.”

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. ‘Til then, I’ve got writing to do.

“Mercy on our souls,” Allyn murmurs.

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12 thoughts on “Open Journal: Disconnected

  1. Glad the wedding went well! You both look lovely!

    Yeah I can understand how draining it is when you go out and socialize. Fortunately I’m able to overcome it in a day or two. It’s hard. Sometimes people don’t understand how tiring going out can be especially with loud and rambunctious people.

    I’m sad you’re not going to join us for Nano this year but I completely understand. I’m still not prepared for it but I’m going to try anyways.

    I hope you’ll recover swiftly and be your great chipper self soon! If not, you know I’m here for you if you want to chat things out, right? No? Well you do now. 🙂 Speaking of which, we haven’t talked much about OUaT lately! We must catch up on that when you’re ready. 😀

      • Ohhh awesome! I wasn’t sure but I thought you weren’t going to do it. I’m so glad you’re going to push through! Sure, yeah I’m also conflicted on whether or not I should go socialize too. I bought a gift card to the local Panera people plan to go write at to motivate myself to go but I think I do more writing when I’m by myself. haha Yesh, I’ve been enjoying it so far. Hope you have too. lol

  2. Danielle, the photo from the wedding is beautiful, and I’m so glad it went well! I’m sure you were the most amazing cyborg Made of Honor ever (and DAT DRESS THO). 🙂

    I totally understand how it feels to be 200% drained and incapable of socializing. #introvertproblems That being said, it’s not a crime to take some time for yourself. SELF CARE. THIS IS IMPORTANT. (Real talk: you’re an awesome human, and you probably need some time off to keep being awesome. It’s just the way the world works.) In the meantime, I hope you get the chance to breathe a little this month! I know whatever comes out of NaNo for you will be great.

    • I can’t even look at/think about that photo without Wicked’s “For Good” playing bittersweetly through my head. My skin may not be green, but unedited, DAT DRESS is! (Big kudos to my mother for all the hard work she put in to making it for me.)

      And now that I’m an oh-so-wise 26-year-old (happy belated birthday to me!), I aim to make an effort toward being a kinder self-employer. I’m too old to keep on forever at this past year’s pace!

      Also, Sam, you’re awesome and I ❤ you like wow.

  3. It’s amazing how much socializing can drain you, eh? I get exhausted after a few hours with people…the wedding looks like it was lovely, though! Have fun with NaNo, even if you are going to be a bit of a hermit (but hermits are super interesting, so there ya go!)

    • YEAH, awesome hermits! And it was a gorgeous wedding. When the bagpiper played the bride down the aisle, I almost turned into a crier. (The weepy kind, not the shout-at-a-Ren-Faire kind.)

  4. Having been busy honeymooning and moving to a different country and shizz, I only just found this post.

    My dear cyborg-Sherlock-strangeling. You were truly a vessel poured out empty, and somehow you kept moving–and kept US moving–as long as we needed you. I’m as proud of you as I am grateful. (That’s a lot. A few dozen heck-tons. Absolute bloody loads. So ya know.)

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