Don’t Be There, Don’t Be Square

Coming next week: An update several months in the making on the corner my non-authorial life has turned.

Coming not long after that: Sneak peeks and whatever fun content I can think up to tie into my October release, Outlaws of Avalon 3.

Today: Remember my allusion in my Printers Row recap post to the lack of cooperation I got with Square? Here (finally) is the full story.

Just Say No to Square

I attempted to get Square set up on my phone, but it kept saying that it couldn’t “verify my identity”. Over and again I tried, over a handful of days – careful to ensure the information I input was accurate; switching out e-mail and addresses and phone numbers, on the off chance that one might prove more accessible to their system than another. No avail. And looking through their support options yielded nothing more helpful than troubleshooters telling me to make sure all my information was correct. …um, thanks. Been there, done that.

By this time, I was pretty much sure this wasn’t going to work out for me, so I reached out in a couple of Facebook groups I’m in, asking whether anyone could recommend an alternative portable credit card reader. Frustratingly, half the responses I got were people saying that Square worked just fine for them.

Cool. Great. But I JUST SAID it’s not working for me, so… what else ya got? (Funny how they all got quiet when I asked specifically what I should do if Square refused to verity my identity. <_<)

Aaaaaanyway… Eventually, I moved to my laptop for a more concentrated support search. I still didn’t find anything helpful, but did receive an e-mail from Square fretting over the “suspicious activity” that was me trying to get in from another of my devices. The e-mail came with a link to click if I needed help, and BOY, DID I, so click I did, which took me to a page that was all, “Thanks for reporting suspicious activity!”

Wait. No. That’s not what I need help with. X( But hey, there’s a comment box where I can provide them with more information. Time to set the record straight. I wrote:

I did not intend to report the sign in as suspicious. The activity in question was in fact my own, from a computer instead of my cell phone — the phone being what I’ve been using to try (for days) to create an account, without success. No matter how many times I input my information, Square insists it cannot verify my identity. When I saw the “Need help? Let us know” in your email, I’d hoped that clicking it would direct me to someone able to help me get verified/approved so I can use the app without further trouble. Please advise.

Square Support shortly replied:

Hey Danielle,

Thanks for reaching out.

I know this is disappointing, and I wish there was something I could do. Your last application to accept cards with Square was not approved, and I can’t offer any additional chances to apply. Because Square offers a limited number of application attempts, this decision is final.

I wish you and your business the best of luck going forward, and I’m sincerely sorry for the frustrating experience.

Okay. Fine. I was past being mad. At this point, I just wanted some answers. So I wrote back:

So be it. However, for the sake of enlightenment:

1) Can you explain why my attempts were unsuccessful? I would like to have more to answer anyone asking about my Square experience than, “I dunno, it just didn’t work. Cannot recommend.”

2) What exactly is the limit? (I wasn’t keeping count; 7 tries? More? Fewer?) And is it a limited number of attempts per applicant, or per email address, or…?

Their reply:

Hey Danielle,

Thanks for your email. I’m really sorry we can’t give you another chance to apply, but there’s nothing else we can do to change this decision.

To protect your privacy and security, we don’t have access to the information you entered during the application process, so I cannot provide a more specific reason for why your application wasn’t approved.

I understand this situation is frustrating, and I wish I could be more helpful. I recommend speaking with other companies that offer similar services, like your bank or other mobile payment providers.

All the best, etc.

TL;DR, “We’re not interested enough in your business to even tell you why we won’t accept it. Bye, Felicia.”

Which brings to me to my new-and-improved response, should anyone ask about my Square experience: “I dunno, it just didn’t work, and the customer service was terrible. Cannot recommend.”