IF WILL SCARLET … Went Commercial YA

A continuation of “If Will Scarlet Broke the Economy

By this time, Will would be ready to eat a horse raw, so it would be food court time. A smoothie for me, and maybe some Panda Express. It would be all Will could do to refrain from ordering one of absolutely everything – two, in the case of cookies.

“You know what’s hard?” he’d say, if ever he paused to switch out the inhalation of lunch for that of air. “Self-restraint. Self-restraint is bloody hard, and the bloody point of it is easily forgotten when you feel constantly on the point of starvation.”

“What’s got your metabolism up, dude?” I’d ask – since, when his appetite hits this level of frenzy, there’s usually some sort of emotional trigger behind it. That, or we’re shopping in Fresno and I haven’t eaten enough to suit him, and, oh, Lord have mercy, that aisle has snack cakes in it.

To my surprise, he’d say, “I think it’s you. Shopping with you. It’s exciting.”

Wary face would be wary. “What kind of exciting?”

He’d flash the slightly madder version of his smile. “It’s all the same excitement to me.”

“Yooooou need to learn to differentiate,” I’d assess.

Yooooou need to not be so awesome,” he’d return.

“I really hadn’t thought I was.” I’d gesture helplessly. It’d be like when someone called Annabelle from INSPIRED a strong character all over again. I don’t think of myself as a strong character, or an awesome one. I’m just a person – and barely that. It feels weird when people make a fuss over me, like I’m not just extraordinary (which I know), but wonderful (which I guess I’m too close to see). Extra weird when that person is one of my characters, since I’ve started to figure that their resenting me is just a matter of course.

Will would make a scornful noise. “Don’t be that MC who’s all, ‘But how could he like me? I’m just me! ’ Nobody wants to read about that.”

I’d lean back in my chair, giving him a look. “So you’re trying to set yourself up as one of the interests in my love triangle, now?”

“The best friend boy next door,” he’d say cheerfully. “Been like a brother to you all this time, until suddenly you notice how cute I’ve gotten.” He’d flex a bicep, feigning shock. “Lord-a-mercy, have I always had these guns??”

“Idiot.” I’d throw a balled-up napkin at him. I’d miss. I’d groan. Laughing, he’d bend down to scoop it off the floor to prevent me from getting up and doing it myself.

“Who’s the third, then?” I’d ask. “In the love triangle. There’s gotta be two hot guys fighting over me, or what will I have to dither over in book two of the trilogy that didn’t need to be a trilogy?” Not to hate on YA literature, but let’s face it; there’s a pattern.

“The Resistance?” Will would suggest innocently. “Whether to stand up to the dystopia or just roll over and become a vampire?”

“Now, now,” I’d say, before this turned into a Twi-bashing party. I happened to enjoy the books, thank you very much.

He’d finish whatever I’d left behind of my Chinese. Mostly peas, probably. “I don’t know who the other guy is. We could try to have Allyn take the part, but I can’t see him cooperating. And anyway, that’d be lame, because we’d all know from page one that you wouldn’t pick him. He’s not your type.”

You’re not my type.”

Which would result in him being far more bummed-out than I would like and mumbling that it’s time to go home.

I wouldn’t want our mall trip to end like this. It had been such a great day, ‘til now. But I wouldn’t know what to do to get Will’s spirits back up, until a light bulb would click on over my head, powered by the sight of one of those goofy photo booths.

PhotoFunia-Photobooth 3
Via PhotoFunia

“Hey, Will,” I’d say, tugging on his sleeve. I would point. He would see. His eyes would light up brighter than my overhead bulb.

“Oh, HELL yes!”

In we’d go to take our strip of idiotic pictures. Tongues out. Eyes crossed. Bunny ears over each other’s heads. Probably one where he smashes a kiss to my cheek. Maybe even one where we just look happy and halfway normal. When we got home, I’d tape it to my wall – right between my calendar and the photo manipulation of the Backstreet Boys’ Kevin as LoTR’s Aragorn.

Of everything we bought that day, I don’t think any of it would mean more than that.

[To possibly be continued, if Will happens to compel me to write any more of these.]

“Advice” or “3 Ironic Tips for Writers”

Writers write about writing a lot. Go figure.

I don’t actually blame us. This is something we care about, so it’s something we talk about. It’s also one of those things where, no matter how good you are, you want to be better. …Unless the idea of attaining perfection repulses you, in which case I doubt you read many blog articles aimed at improving your craft.

For the rest of you who do read such articles, perhaps you’ve noticed some pieces of “recommendation regarding a decision or course of conduct” come up a lot. Like, all the bleeding time. To the point where you stop listening and start looking for ways to entertain yourself by pointing out the irony inherent in the advice’s continued use.

…Am I the only one who does that? Oh, good. Then you’ll probably be able to read my alternate take on these 3 done-to-death writer tips without any sense a déjà vu.

1) “Avoid clichés.”

The irony: The criticism of clichés, in itself, has become a cliché – trite, hackneyed, and so overly commonplace that it’s lost potency.

Why it bugs me (apart from the fact that I hear it all the bleeding time): Life is a cliché. You can only get so original before your story stops making sense and nobody wants to read it. Readers, bless their/our contradictory little hearts, want originality and creativity both. They want to read something they’ve seen a million times before without it feeling like they’ve seen it a million times before. They want old made new. They want clichés dressed up in a WOW factor. They want the same old heroic journey/love story/tragedy with new characters in a new setting and a new reason for them to give a hoot.

My advice: Don’t focus on what makes your story the same as the rest. Focus on what makes it different. Because, as the Backstreet Boys sing it, that’s what makes it beautiful. (No, One Direction, not knowing your own beauty does not make you beautiful. It makes you oblivious.)

2) “Show, don’t tell.”

The irony: People will be forever telling you this instead of showing it.

Why it bugs me (apart from the fact that I hear it all the bleeding time): You know what writers are? Storytellers. “Storyshowers” isn’t a word. Unless we’re talking about silent films or picture books completely devoid of text, there has to be telling involved. We’ve got to tell to show. Call me a literalist, but these are just the facts.

My advice: Tell the darn story. Just tell it in a way that shows the story, rather than laying it out in dry summary. “Ollie died, and this made Joey sad” gives you less than “Joey wept over Ollie’s fallen body”. I’m telling you both examples (as opposed to showing you, which would necessitate pantomiming the whole thing for you on video, or something), but doesn’t the second one make you feel a little closer to the action? If “storyshowers” were a word, it would be the characters’ job description, not the writers’. The characters show, we writers watch, and then we tell what we see.

3) “Kill your darlings.”

The irony: This seems to be a darling phrase of writing advisors everywhere.

Why it bugs me (apart from the fact that I hear it all the bleeding time): Notwithstanding my frequent fantasies in which I knock somebody over the head with a large stick, I don’t actually like violence. And this phrase – much like talk of slashing at your first draft until it bleeds red ink – strikes me as unnecessarily brutal. Editing does not have to be a slaughter! Does a surgeon hack mercilessly at the patient on the operating table like a Viking berserker? If your answer’s not “no”, change doctors now. A qualified surgeon enters the problem area with delicate skill, gently removes the unsightly tumor, and disposes of it in the proper receptacle. Tumor removal: Still a nasty metaphor, but so much more elegant on an artistic level, not so?

“Alright, Nurse – it’s time to painstakingly extract the darling.”
“Alright, Nurse – it’s time to painstakingly extract the darling.”

My advice: No matter how much you love a thing – that character, that scene, that witty phrase – if it does not serve the greater good of your story, it is an abnormal growth of tissue that possesses no physiological function and needs to leave for the body’s health and quality of life. Put on your surgical gloves and work some writer magic.

What think, fellow writer-types? Any writing advice clichés you’d like to put under the knife? Show Tell me in the comments.